There’s a layer to coaching that most people miss when they’re learning how to do this work. It’s not about what you say. It’s about when you say it, how you pace it, and what you’re listening for underneath the words your client is sharing.
In episode 133, I coached Mary Ann Stenquist on her relationship with her emergency fund. She was frustrated by the cycle of building savings, draining it, and starting over. But as you’ll see, the session wasn’t really about her emergency fund at all.
I want to show you what was happening underneath that conversation. The coaching decisions I was making in real time, what I was listening for, and why certain moments mattered more than others.
Start By Setting the Focus
We always start coaching sessions by asking what’s most important today. One concern newer coaches often have is running out of things to talk about. Let me tell you, that’s unlikely. The more common issue is trying to cover too much in one session and overwhelming your client.
When Mary Ann shared that she’d been draining and rebuilding her emergency fund repeatedly, there was subtle frustration in her voice. It wasn’t loud, but it was tired. That is something to slow down on.
That particular frustration Mary Ann expressed is one I see often. The idea that she did what she was “supposed” to do, she did the thing that was “supposed” to work, and there’s still something not quite right, something missing or something off. If you have this idea that we help only when something is really wrong, hopefully this helps you see that’s not necessarily true.
Early in the session, Mary Ann said something really telling: “My sense of security is having an emergency fund for the emergency fund.”
This is where I knew this was not going to be a numbers conversation but rather a “sense of safety” conversation. It was going to be about how she felt just as much as it was going to be about having a system that supported that feeling. This was less about having the money and more about having the peace of mind. It’s a sense of security she’s after.
Gather Information Without Solving
Once I understood the real focus, I stayed on that point a little longer, asking clarifying questions. Here are some examples:
- What did you mean by that?
- Walk me through your money flow.
- Tell me how you’re currently handling a certain situation.
- What income sources are coming in?
- What expenses are triggering the withdrawals?
Notice that no advice is happening yet. The goal here is validation, tracking with what she’s sharing, and emotional grounding. Not only am I gaining clarification, but the conversation helps the client gain clarity too. You can literally see Mary Ann’s body language shift the more she’s allowed to express what is happening.
This is how you build buy-in before strategy is ever even introduced in the session. Buy-in isn’t a switch that you turn on and off. A client isn’t either fully bought in or not bought in at all. You will hear Mary Ann say that she feels better already just talking about it. The feeling of getting something off your chest, of talking through what’s been on your mind, and hearing someone say they get it. Feeling better before receiving any advice at all. That instills the smallest amount of buy-in, and that’s something we can build on.
Coach, when a client tells you what’s bothering them, allow time for this to breathe. Give it space. Talk about it. Ask questions. Otherwise, you skip a crucial buy-in building step.
Mary Ann also said things like, “I don’t like the setup I have, and I’d like more separation.” This shows an openness to try something new because her current approach isn’t quite right, and she is aware of that. When I eventually made recommendations to her setup or her system, I knew that was allowed because of her word choice here earlier in the session.
If she hadn’t expressed this awareness, I might have asked something specific like, tell me what you like about your current setup, and tell me what feels off to you. Or even something like, I think the system you’ve adopted could be better refined to get you the result you’re aiming for. Are you open to exploring that with me? But I didn’t feel that was necessary because Mary Ann had already indicated her openness.
Spot and Name Emotional Patterns
We’ve got the focus for the session. We’ve explored the full experience in depth. Now we can spot and name emotional patterns. When we started talking about how the account balance dropping triggered scarcity, that’s where Mary Ann’s energy really started to shift.
But first, I want you to pay attention to Mary Ann’s description here. When asked what she’s touching her savings for, she mentioned medical, but then also big chunks. At first, she doesn’t give a lot of detail. Once again, that reinforced what I was already picking up on, that it wasn’t about any particular expense. It’s the feeling it was causing. The toll it was taking on her was not tied to the actual expense itself.
That’s important because if it was about the actual expense, we might focus more on that category of life, how to save money, cost-cutting options, options for various coverage changes, all of those things. But that wasn’t the primary concern.
Mary Ann then describes again how it feels when she sees her account balance drop. That’s where I name pulse fatigue, the constant, we’re OK, we’re not OK, we’re OK, we’re not OK. This emotional swing. You’ll notice her energy pick up here. Her words become more bold. Her body language becomes more dynamic. She’s nodding yes while describing things after I gave her experience a name.
To be clear, Coach, I still haven’t made any recommendations in the session, and naming it does not fix anything. It just gives language to something that’s been overwhelming. This was about creating breathing room, letting the issue or concern breathe a little bit. Breathing room creates possibility.
I was already picking up on this, but here’s what I really knew: This was never about the dollar amount.
This Was Never About the Dollar Amount
Mary Ann said something crucial: “If we were looking at the numbers, we would be OK.” And that’s the moment the entire focus is confirmed. This is not about dollar amounts. This is about the emotional toll of unpredictability.
Go listen to Mary Ann’s word choices here. She wants peace of mind. She wants more control. And she mentions in multiple ways how various systems or methods that she’s tried led to scarcity for her. So instead of pivoting to strategy, I chose to lean into the emotion. I repeat back to her how she’s feeling. And I asked her to imagine what it would feel like if that cycle stopped.
Two things I want to point out here. First, as I’m explaining what she’s been experiencing, you see her smile and nod in response because she now knows I get it. And that is so moving for people. You should be reflecting back to your clients what you’re hearing them say at least once every session. If you are not doing that, Coach, make it a point to do that today. You can start doing that with the very next session you have on your calendar.
The second thing I want to point out when you watch back, her body responds before her words do. Shoulders drop from being held tensely. Her breath releases. She actually exhales. That is the nervous system remembering it is allowed to feel safe again, that there’s a light at the end of this tunnel. You’re inviting positive feelings and experiences into what has been a challenging aspect of her money for years. We’re going to carry that into the next part of the session because I want us creating.
Whether that’s ideas, solutions, strategies, tactics, I want us to create from a future place of potential, not a past frustration or stress. Why? Because that’s another moment where buy-in is cultivated.
Normalize Change and Release Self-Blame
One thing I want to point out is that Mary Ann actually has a bit of a hard time here expressing herself when thinking about the problem being solved. Go back and watch it. When asked what it might feel like if the problem was solved or if this cycle didn’t continue, she continues to discuss how it’s felt to experience it currently. She elaborates more on the problem, goes more in depth on what’s been happening. She talks about how it’s been unmotivating, discouraging, and it’s made it so she doesn’t see money as a tool anymore but as a limited resource.
Some people can imagine a future where their problem is solved and they can step into that space easily. Other people can struggle with that step for a number of reasons. Maybe because they’ve been dealing with the problem for so long, it’s hard to imagine not having it anymore, or because they don’t yet believe an alternative future is possible.
You’ll hear me validate her experience more here. I took time to describe it and reflect back to her how it must feel. “I get what you’re saying. I can see it.” And I let her know I’ve seen it before, and I’ve experienced it myself, and I’ve seen others experience the same thing as well.
If you’re a newer coach, you may avoid sharing when you’ve experienced a challenging situation with your own money. Don’t make the session about you, and you don’t necessarily need to get into the weeds of what you’ve experienced. But connecting with your clients demonstrates authority. Your authority doesn’t come from lecturing, Coach. It comes from connection.
So we’ve talked about what Mary Ann is experiencing, and we shifted into imagining that challenge being solved. Before moving into strategy, the next step is to normalize change and release self-blame. I reframed something I felt she might need to hear.
Systems are allowed to evolve, and life changes. So your money system needs to change too. This removes self-blame because self-blame is the number one enemy of financial follow through.
Remember, Mary Ann started the session by mentioning how she did it the way she was “supposed to.” That language tells me she’s still giving credit to the way she did it as if it was supposed to work. And the fact that it didn’t must mean that something is wrong with her or her approach. If she believes the way she did it was the right way, or maybe even the only right way, if I start throwing out alternative methods or options, it might be too abrupt.
I want to create buy-in for any new idea first, not just the one I’m about to recommend. When we normalize adaptation, confidence returns. You heard me talk about iterations a lot in episode 132, which was all about how to create buy-in. This is the practical application of that episode. If you go back and watch this moment of the session, I’m simply giving Mary Ann permission to change. And I made it more about her being proactive and self-aware instead of being reactionary and somehow flawed.
When you normalize change, you also make future sessions and recommendations easier. This is a perfect example.
I also normalize her emotions again by walking her through some of how her current setup is actually causing her guilt. Things like no purpose for the emergency fund, the word emergency is too vague, and so on. The other purpose behind this bridge here is that I’m connecting her feelings to her current setup. They’re connected, and so both are important for our conversation and our focus.
I didn’t go from asking questions directly to telling her, “This is what you’re gonna do.” This transition in between serves a purpose. As the coach, you are the guide. So you’re guiding the conversation and making sure it all flows practically, logically, and emotionally. Again, I have not even gotten into strategy in this session yet.
Now We Can Begin Strategy
Mary Ann shared her challenge. I dug deeper with clarifying questions that gave both of us greater clarity. I named her experience, connected with her, and before even discussing any changes or strategy, I talked about change management and created a bridge from problem to solution. Now we can begin strategy.
I start by offering a simple example first. A small way to try a shift. I always want to get a micro buy-in before asking a client to try anything new. And when Mary Ann shared what had worked and what hadn’t worked earlier in the session, that helped me tailor the next step to her, not to theory. That is the power of one simple step. You can get immediate feedback from the client, allowing you to better customize the advice you deliver next. I give Mary Ann a starting step. Small, simple, and sustainable. That’s because my goal still wasn’t to fully fix the pattern. My goal was to help her rebuild belief.
Using phrases like, let’s try this, or one thing we can try is, and don’t overanalyze this, the goal is to start. We are creating a space where iterations and feedback are welcomed, even encouraged. I’m not locked into any one way and I don’t want her to be either. This is collaborative energy. I’m leading, I’m confident, and I’m guiding, but I’m also inviting Mary Ann into the process.
Notice how the whole energy of this section is one of brainstorming and collaboration. Pay attention here to how many times I say, “try it,” or “let’s see.” I’m signaling. You don’t have to get this perfect. And we are allowed to adjust as we go. This is a really important buy-in builder. It makes the client feel like they have room, room to change, room to learn, and room to be human.
Walk It Forward to Build Confidence
And once we had that grounded starting point, we shifted into what I call walk it forward. We want to walk it forward in order to build confidence. I asked her to step into a future moment where the system was already working. She’s using the new account structure successfully, not in a dreamy, “one-day” way, but in a “let’s walk it forward and imagine what changes” kind of way. How would it feel? What would you notice?
Walking it forward is how you help a client experience success before it happens. It builds self-trust before there’s actual proof of results. And we can make modifications based on her feedback. Not my agenda, but her lived experience. That’s where the buy-in gets locked in.
Next, we pause to talk about capturing wins, even very small ones. Looking for signs of progress, signs of growth, and signs of success. I call this micro-proofing the plan. I also encouraged her to celebrate with her husband, bringing him into this. Micro-proofing is so essential, Coach, because wins create proof, proof creates belief, and belief sustains behavior.
So much of Mary Ann’s language throughout our whole session was emotional. It was about how she felt. So I knew the session needed to include emotional strategy paired with logistical strategies. I normalized setbacks in this section as well, turning them into pivot points, not signs of failure. This is what allows her growth to continue.
Someday I’ll do a full episode on the Walk it Forward Method because it is one of the most impactful coaching moves I use. I use it on this podcast all of the time in coaching sessions. When I’m leading my team in meetings, when I’m in sales conversations, you name it, the walk it forward method is essential. Even here, you can see how it helps Mary Ann to see herself doing the thing. And that changed how she believed she could.
Check In With Your Client
Then I checked in with Mary Ann. I asked questions like:
- What are you hearing?
- What are you liking?
- What are you not liking?
This invites questions so you can go deeper where needed. Instead of trying to over explain everything the client might need to know about a particular recommendation or strategy or method, share the most important aspects and then allow them to ask questions. You can then fill in gaps based on where they tell you it’s needed, but without over explaining.
Another important part I want to make sure you take note of is how I answered one of Mary Ann’s questions. She asked how to best use the savings accounts. I provided a recommendation based on what I knew about her at this point.
As experts, you should have opinions and make recommendations. In this idea that we never tell clients what to do, I wanted to make sure it was highlighted here. Cut through the noise and make a recommendation. But also notice that after I gave her my recommendation, I then presented various options for that recommendation. So I’m guiding while also brainstorming and inviting iterations.
Checking in with Mary Ann also determined where I went next. I’m guiding the session, but I’m making that decision based on the client. Are things clear, or does she seem overwhelmed? Is it landing, or do we need to take a beat before moving on?
Now, go back, Coach, and listen to Mary Ann’s responses here. What I heard was that she was getting it. And I could tell that because she wasn’t just reiterating steps back to me. She understood the why, understood the impact of the changes we discussed, described herself doing it, and even started to imagine herself feeling better. If any of those elements were missing, I would have taken time to reinforce them here.
Also, notice the shift from not being able to imagine herself solving this problem just 30 minutes prior to imagining herself achieving success in this part of her finances and being able to describe to us what that would look and feel like. Wow.
Also notice there was maybe 15 minutes of strategy talk so far in this session and we’re almost to the end. If you are spending the majority of your sessions in action mode or delivering steps to your clients, I hope this shows you a different and more impactful approach, a slower but impactful option.
The Most Important Line in the Whole Session
It’s at this point in the session that we hear the most important line in the whole session. Mary Ann says she had the fully funded emergency fund, the one thing everyone tells you to have, and she still didn’t feel secure. And that right there is the entire lesson for you, Coach.
Financial coaching is not just for people who don’t have money. Even when people have money, they can benefit from working with us. Security is not created by the emergency fund. Security is created by the belief that you are able to respond. And Mary Ann didn’t have that belief because of what she’s been experiencing.
Throughout the session, you’ll hear Mary Ann reference control quite often. That might be something I’d address in a future session.
Integration and Emotional Buy-In
Later in the session, I coach her through her identity or how she sees herself. But this was more of a seed planting moment and not a full on coaching moment around this area of her money. We had shifted the part of Mary Ann’s money she came to the session with. You can see her body language shift, her tone of voice and language choices change, all awesome things.
This isn’t the time when you say, “boy, we also need to work on your control or your identity.” If you think about a movie or a TV series, that would be like dropping in a storyline that doesn’t ever get closure. And you’re left thinking, hey, wait, whatever happened to that character? And it’s distracting and probably taking away from how much you enjoyed the show. So don’t do that, coach. You can note it, and then you can bring it up at the start of a future session, but not at the end of a productive session.
Because that’s going to get the client thinking about a completely different problem entirely when what we want to do next is move into the moment of integration and emotional buy-in. You’ll hear me say, “I think this was a good session.” And I want to pause on that because this is something coaches sometimes hesitate to do. If you go back and watch Mary Ann’s body language at this point, this is important.
She’s smiling, nodding enthusiastically. She’s closing her eyes when something resonates. She’s leaning back in her chair, letting out long exhales and sighs. Her whole body is relaxing here. What that tells me is she’s not just understanding the strategy. She is feeling it. This is when it’s not just logical buy-in, but embodied buy-in.
And this is why it’s okay and actually helpful to say something like, “This feels like a good session, or this is feeling good to me. What about you?” Clients want to know when something is working. They want to feel your confidence, your warmth, your presence with them. Your genuine belief in their progress can be incredibly grounding and reassuring. I want you to match their energy. And don’t be afraid to express yourself, coach.
Mary Ann said she feels hopeful about putting the plan into motion and that it aligns with the lifestyle she wants. That tells me she’s not just accepting the plan; she’s connecting identity and emotion to action. She also says something key. She says, “I like that it’s not set in stone, that I can adapt it. I don’t have to rebuild the whole wheel every month.”
Yes. That’s the exact kind of buy-in we want. Flexibility, agency, room to respond to life, not rigidity or adherence to some strict rules you gave them.
Give Them a Motto to Take With Them
Then I reflected something back to her that I wanted her to take with her as the session’s anchor.
We’re shifting you from a false sense of security to a real sense of security.
I gave her that as a motto for the session. The two questions I asked her right before this section were done so that I could craft that motto. So very real time in the moment, I took her answers to those two questions and I created her motto.
This is a moment at the end of the session that I designed years ago and I call it the Insight and Action Moment or the I AM Framework for short. If you’ve ever heard the saying that people remember how they felt and what they’ve realized, not everything that was said, well, I heard that and I wanted to capture those two things. So I created the I AM Framework to do just that.
When the going gets tough or weeks after the session, it’s natural for a client to forget why they’re doing what they’re doing. The I AM Framework is a concise reminder. Then to help her measure progress, not through perfection or dollars in her emergency fund, I gave her a progress metric based on felt experience.
“Ask yourself regularly, how secure am I feeling right now from one to 10? Maybe one week it’s a five, then later it’s a six, and then eventually a seven. Security isn’t just a number and an account. It’s a felt experience in the nervous system.” And now she has a super simple and fast way to track and strengthen her security.
What Real Coaching Looks Like
Let’s bring this recap to a close. My hope is that this breakdown gives you a deeper look at the internal coaching layer: the emotional tracking, timing, pacing, and sequencing inside the session. The coaching wasn’t just in the advice. The coaching was in slowing down and letting a conversation breathe, naming patterns, validating emotions, normalizing change, helping her feel and see possibility again, and then supporting that feeling with strategy and progress milestones.
That’s how behavior change sticks. That’s how we help people rebuild trust in themselves.
I’d love to hear from you, Coach. What did you notice about what Mary Ann chose to share? What did you notice about the session? I hope you enjoyed this coaching session breakdown, Coach.
And if you’d like to be part of the next The Client Seat episode, we’re taking applications for it now. Apply here!
